We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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