My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I could fuck to npr.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
