So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
