Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
