you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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