I can text with my tongue
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
