What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
