I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
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I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
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You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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