Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
