I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
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Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
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I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
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