Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
