If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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