Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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