The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
