Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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