where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
