and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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