Pants 0. Shit 1.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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