I think i peed on brittanys purse
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
