I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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