my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
