True but thats because hes a fetus.
I puked a lego.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
