god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
