Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
