I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
