he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
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