Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
