he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
