Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
