How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
