well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
