He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Dick very happy bro
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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