He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
