Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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