I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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