i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
