So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
