if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
