he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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