I'm lost and stupid without you.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I am spending my child support on dildos
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Randomize
