"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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