I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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