chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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