I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
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She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Mom said you looked used
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
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Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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