dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
