OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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