I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
