the condom got lost in my hair
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
