He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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