i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
