My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
