My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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