How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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