i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
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I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
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I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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