On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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