Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
