i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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